The Disfunctional Christian Family

Care enough to send the very best

kacky — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:29:02 +0000

Happy Holidays…..

As we prepare to depart the year 2011 and progress into the critical year 2012, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I cant touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . . Oh, by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, its too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. -author unknown

2011 in review

kacky — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 03:53:35 +0000

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,700 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 45 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

56th wedding anny and death of a child

kacky — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 02:54:23 +0000

Keith and I drove to Collinsville, MS to visit his mom and become diversions for the life events she would experience with her husband, Jesse (deceased January 12, 2008). She tries to carry on but as anyone knows who has lost a loved one, it’s a minute by minute survival diagnosis. Sunday, December 18, her son Kelly would have been 53 years old. He was born and died the same day. Remember the joy of your first born? The wonder, miracle of all miracles? A love so sweet, simple, deep and dear you would throw yourself in front of a moving train or bullet to save that child? Then remember losing your brother or sister, mother or father. Death is the great equalizer. A miracle of sorts. Yet it is one miracle we’d just as soon drop on a hot stove. It’s an empty bottomless cistern, yet a promiseful event. One day we will see the loved one in Heaven. Imagine experiencing the joy of birth and tragedy of death in the same few hours? I can only remember a joyful birth of my son, but nothing so crippling as losing him in the same moment. December 19 would have been her 56 wedding anniversary with Jesse. A loving kind man missed every day by his family. But there is memory of a great relationship. The loss of a memory that had not been made by Kelly, returns void. There was no lasting relationship. Just a willowing smoke. A fresh smell, baby’s breath, and new soft, soft skin. Then nothing. He’s gone. Every year Marilynn visits the grave and sobs uncontrollably. This year, however, we were there and she didn’t want to visit Kelly’s grave. Not to say she didn’t go after we left. All family can do is pray we were enough this year. She simply enjoyed our company, as we did hers. Laughter truly a grand cure for melancholy.

Rock City, GA

kacky — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 05:22:38 +0000

One of the biggest attractions near Chattanooga is “Rock City.” The landscape is just as it sounds, all rock. During Christmas, the place is ablaze with lights on almost everything. I wore boots that were not meant for walking. Had I know there were so many steps up and down, I’d have worn track shoes. It took us two hours to complete the journey. There were steps, very narrow passage ways made by huge boulders, water falls, lighted toy soldiers lining the paths, Toy Land, Lover’s Leap (with an outstanding view of Chattanooga city lights), and Mother Goose (MG). MG was a large room containing small figures of trolls, fairies, fairy tale characters, geared towards children. These were on a huge raised table in the very center of the room. The line walked around the square. We had only walked a small distance inside the door and stopped. Every kid/adult in that hot stuffy room had to examine each minute detail of each scene. I told Keith, “I’m hot, this is boring and I’m outta’ here.” Keith had told me I had to “stick it out.” Quickly running between the attendees and the wall, I called out, “Claustrophobic, I’ve got to get out, I’ve got to get out now.” Surprisingly, people went out of their way to let me out. For you haters, I did not scream, I actually was very quiet, given the noise level of that miserably stuffy/hot/crowded room. Finally: Freedom!! Turns out Keith was right behind me. He said he didn’t want to stay in there either. There should have been a disclaimer posted on the door, “If you are childless, please skip this “attraction” and move on. Nothing to see here.” Climbing through the rocks was terrific. This is the longest time I’ve spent walking (two hours) since my December 2010 back surgery. The night was cold and the trek was invigorating. I had to briefly rest twice. Keith only sat with me once. I would do this again in a heartbeat, but will wait until visitors come through. It’s $19/person. There were souvenier shops with cheap junk at high prices. Right at the end I didn’t think I’d make it to the car. He bought me some water and after that, all was well with the world. Then I had to walk to the car. Bah Humbug.

Cancer free!

kacky — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 22:42:29 +0000

Mom had her lumpectomy today and in she has no cancer in her lymph nodes. It’s a miracle! Great news. Just had to let everyone know. Merry Christmas to us. I pray you all have a wonderful 2012 as well. Get your mammograms now. Mom had one every year (I think) and they caught this one very early. Don’t delay. Mammograms are no big deal either. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s horrible. It is so nothing. Do yourself and your family a favor this year, or early 2012. Don’t put if off. While you’re at it, schedule a colonoscopy. Four years ago, I had 5 polyps, two precancerous and three benign. I want to hear from those of you who heeded my advice.

Operation Homefront

kacky — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 18:03:36 +0000

Go to this link below and click on one favorite charity, then submit. Read all about how much is given and sign in to receive an email to receive the final totals.

I typed in the organization I liked. Please do the same. Merry Christmas everyone.

http://cdwgives.com/?cm_mmc=email-_-customer-_-holidaylaunch|110192|house-_-chooseyourcharity

Cyst revisited: sadly, it’s all in the family

kacky — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:10:24 +0000

I now have a large valley in my upper left arm. Looks like something just chomped a huge piece out of my arm. Doc took the drain tube out on Tuesday, but said stitches are not to come out until next Tuesday (1/3 of them) and the remainder on the following Tuesday. My diabetes must be preventing a quick healing. Good news: the softball sized cyst (lipoma) was benign. He said there were nodules growing out of it, which could have been much worse, but he got it all. He added, fat will fill out the indention. Just what I needed: a home for more fat in my body. Pfffffffffffttttttttttt!

Mom called today to say that her breast lump was cancer but it was caught early and can be handled with a lumpectomy. No radiation or chemo. Whew: dodged a bullet on this one, didn’t she? If you live long enough (she’s eighty) you can expect to have something go wrong. Pays to have regular mammograms, ladies.

Mom and I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.

Removing yet another cyst

kacky — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 13:43:32 +0000

Many of you may remember the fatty cyst on my upper left arm. Over 20 years ago, when it was first discovered, and very small, Baylor College of Medicine said to leave it alone. Removing it could cause damage to my arm muscles/nerves. I went to at least two more surgeons and two general practice doctors and they all made the same conclusion. Over the 20 years this sucker has grown and grown. I noticed after moving here it had grown even bigger and Dr. Mena measured it at 8 centimeters (softball). It had its own zip code and SSN. Mt Vesuvias might have been a good name for this cyst. It was so large, had to buy a casket and give it a funeral. I asked why the Texas doctors told me it couldn’t be removed and he said they’re idiots. Don’t you just love a direct speaking doctor? Yesterday, I arrived at Parkridge Hospital before 5 a.m. for day surgery. Dr. Mena said it’s possible the cyst might be cancerous, but he doubted it. He’s a Christian doctor, I might add. God protected me. Although the lab work has not been returned, Dr. Mena said it looked benign. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me, all the days all the days of my li-i-i-ife. There was one tiny complication. You know if there is one, I’ll have it. My larynyx spasmed and closed my throat and prevented me from breathing. I was out cold when all this was happening. My arm hardly hurts at all. Whatever they shot into my voice box to relax it, has given me migraines and horrible pain in both jaws. The nurses said this pain would be worse than my surgery…understatement!! I was up and down all night with this pain. Geez. What a pain! Feels like I have the mumps. Maybe I was talking in my sleep and overstimulated my larynyx? Really? I’ve got to talk to Dr. Mena because he left before this happened to me. I want to see why the hydrocodone is not working on this. Wait, I’m only taking one, maybe I should take 12? I am grateful to have lived through it and that there was a solution for the problem that feels like I’ve been kicked by a mule and a bull. I’m also grateful that I was unconscious while I was spasming. What I didn’t know, however, did HURT ME! God is good all the time and all the time, God is gooder.

Note: Dr. Mena told me they don’t give you an injection, just lean your head back like administering CPR to clear the airway. I don’t understand how your voicebox can do that much damage. Dr. Mena told me this complication happens a lot. Keith looked it up online and the article said this was very rare. Wondered if removing the air tube caused it to happen? I’m asking Dr. Mena today why he said this happens all the time, when I found out differently. Get my stitches and drain tube out today!

Christmas 2011 — Birth of a New Tradition

kacky — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 15:53:43 +0000

Author unknown. Received in email from a friend.

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods — merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse ……that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes there is!

It’s time to think outside the box. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?
Everyone — yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local American hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It’s appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement.

Who wouldn’t appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plunking down their Benjamin on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are bazillion owner-run restaurants — all offering gift certificates. And, if your intended isn’t the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, this isn’t about big National chains — this is about supporting your home town Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn’t use an oil change for their car, truck or motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of lights, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn’t imagine. THIS is the new American Christmas. Spread the Christmas cheer here…..

Magnificent

kacky — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 15:51:44 +0000

http://www.andiesisle.com/creation/magnificent.html

Turn your volume up, this is so glorious.

I think my musically talented nieces/nephews should sing this song in church while the video plays in the background. Breathtaking. Thanks to my friend, Michelyn for sending this to me.